Can learning to negotiate really change your life?

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The short answer is yes. The longer answer is yes, but it takes practice.

You negotiate every day. It may not seem like it, but you are negotiating every time you try to influence someone to give you something or do something for you. Sometimes our negotiations are big ones – promotions, pay rises, supplier negotiations – and sometimes they are small – who is picking up the kids or getting the coffee.

It’s clear that being a better negotiator will help us with the big negotiations that have profound impacts on our lives. New jobs, partners, promotions, homes – the outcomes of these negotiations do change our lives, undoubtedly.

But are the small negotiations that important? I would argue that they really are. Getting used to asking for small, low stakes things will help us prepare for when we are asking for the big things.

A client of mine is highly successful in her chosen profession and has a unique and sought-after skill set. Even though she is extremely capable and well regarded in her industry, she was paralysed when it came to negotiating a promotion she knew she deserved. Over several months I challenged her to engage in larger and larger negotiations with people around her. She learnt to ask without getting agitated, she learnt to identify her stress triggers and she progressively gained the confidence to tackle the big negotiation she was facing.

We all want to be great negotiators when we are in the big arena, in the big moments that change our lives, but success there starts with practice in the small negotiations.

And no-one wants to be the person who always gets the coffee, so learn to say no from time to time and build your negotiating skills one day (or one coffee run) at a time.

Cheap Remorse and Genuine Apology

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The murder of George Floyd, the subsequent protests and the reaction of those in power in the States have really been playing on my mind.

With 246 years of institutionalised slavery followed by the shameful Jim Crow laws, the USA has a very complex history and I feel ill-equipped to express an opinion, let alone make any meaningful contribution to the discussion. But I do know how to negotiate, and I have been wondering how I would go about negotiating an end to the protests.

Even there I’m a bit stumped to be honest. The power imbalance is just too stark – how can the response to protests about police brutality and violence be more police brutality and violence? It’s absolutely confounding.

In a mediation, we often ask “what do you need to make this right?” and, very often, the details of the settlement take a backseat to the apology.

But here’s the thing, the apology needs to be genuine.

A close friend of mine is a brilliant barrister and I always enjoy her descriptions of cases she is working on. A few years ago, she was heavily involved in the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse. I recall her account of a witness describing “cheap remorse”, where a person or an institution makes a show of giving an apology to victims and then demands a pardon, without really demonstrating contrition.

Maybe this is at the heart of the emotionally charged conflict happening in the States right now. There have been apologies, of course, including the apologies made in the House of Representatives in 2008 and in the Senate in 2009 for slavery and the discriminatory Jim Crow laws. Even these apologies, however, did not lead to the passing of a joint bill.

Furthermore, these apologies came years after the official 1983 US apology for shielding a Nazi officer wanted for war crimes, the 1988 apology for the internment of Japanese citizens during WWII, and the 1993 apology for the overthrow of the Kingdom of Hawaii.

Too little too late, perhaps.

As I’ve seen in mediation and as my friend saw at the Royal Commission, a genuine apology isn’t cheap, and it often needs to be delivered time and again. A genuine apology leads to change.

The generational pain and discrimination we are witnessing in the States can’t be fixed with “domination” by the descendants of those who initiated the pain and discrimination. This type of pain needs to start with a genuine apology.

While I am still somewhat stumped, if I were tasked with negotiating an end to the protests, the first step would be finding an independent mediator who is respected by representatives of both sides. I’d follow this with education until the oppressors finally understand the oppression, and I’d do this relentlessly so that any resultant apology is genuine.

With a genuine apology, perhaps the future could hold physical and emotional safety and economic equality.

On a final note, I know that here in Australia we see racism, injustice, discrimination and generational pain too. While the Australian government delivered a heartfelt apology to the Stolen Generations in 2008, the work of reconciliation is far from over.

RIP George Floyd.

 

A bleach cure and other myths

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We are being inundated with misleading claims about COVID-19 and phony remedies. We’ve all seen President Trump discuss injecting bleach and we’ve heard people blame 5G mobile networks for the virus. In fact, there are so many misleading claims circulating about causes of the virus and how it can be treated that the World Health Organization was compelled to set up a myth busters page with downloadable graphics (à la the one I have posted).

It seems that myths gain traction in uncertain times as we try to make sense of what is going on.

Similarly, it is easy for myths to develop around skills that seem elusive or intimidating … skills like leadership, selling or negotiation.

So, while we are here, I thought I’d bust a common myth about negotiation: that great negotiators are born, not made. A commonly held view is that good negotiators possess some scarce, innate ability to persuade other people. While it’s true that some negotiators are naturals, most are not. Most people who have developed into successful negotiators have honed their skills through training in proven methodologies, lots of practice, and steely determination.

Here are two public service announcements:

  1. Don’t drink bleach.
  2. Let me show you how you can become a self-made negotiator.

The Effects of Gender Bias and Stereotypes in Surgical Training

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This week, the Journal of the American Medical Association has released a new report on (10.1001/jamasurg.2020.1127).

Eliminating gender stereotypes in medicine (and other male-dominated industries) requires broadscale, top-down changes in culture and values.

In my whitepaper, “Negotiation Skills as a Remedy for Gender Bias in Medicine”, I argue that these systemic cultural changes will be assisted by arming female doctors with skills to combat gender-based discrimination.

I argue that learning consensus-building negotiation skills could equip female doctors to receive more acknowledgement in the workplace, to negotiate better salaries and working conditions and neutralise the impact of bullying and hostility.

Send me a message if you are interested in receiving a copy of my whitepaper and do get in touch if you are interested in learning more about my training and coaching programs in Sustainable Negotiation.

A negotiator’s thoughts on Zoom meetings

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Earlier this week I was involved in an interesting webinar about leadership in isolation. Toward the end, there were a few comments about how exhausting Zoom meetings can be with the higher levels of concentration and responsiveness that are required.

Being on Zoom with ten or twelve people is a vastly different experience to being in a conference room with the same number. At a physical meeting with ten people around a board table, it’s impossible to be looking at everyone at once. But on Zoom, we are, in effect, sitting opposite not just one or two people but everybody.

People are also more conscious of themselves on Zoom. In gallery view, your own face is one of the many staring back at you. I have never looked at my Zoom reflection to adjust my hair or my posture, but you probably have (kidding, I find myself sneaking a few too many little glances at myself!).

Now, if you have been reading my posts for a while, you’ll know that I see most things through the lens of negotiation. My thoughts about Zoom meetings are no different.

When preparing for a negotiation, choosing where you will sit and where you’d like the other party to sit are important considerations:

  • If you want to give the perception of collaboration and engage the other party in designing the solution, sit side by side.
  • If you want open, face-to-face conversation without appearing combative, choose to sit at the end of the table at right-angles.
  • If you want opportunities to intimidate the other party or to give the appearance that the negotiation is a confrontation, sit opposite the other party.

Say what? Sitting opposite someone can be intimidating? On Zoom, this is our only choice, and hence why Zoom meeting can feel more confronting than physical ones.

Eye-contact is also relevant. In a negotiation, you need to build rapport, for which the right amount of eye-contact is important. But if you take it too far, prolonged eye contact appears highly competitive if not malevolent. And on Zoom, what are we doing? We are potentially holding eye-contact with multiple people for extended periods.

Finally, let’s consider the habit you all have (oh yes, and me too) of checking yourself out. In a negotiation, being conscious of your image is important. Research shows that self-confidence delivers results; when we feel good, we are much more likely to perform better in a negotiation.

So what are we to do? Here are some “negotiation-lens” tips for handling Zoom meetings:

  • Sometimes a phone call is more appropriate. When you are trying to dilute confrontation, don’t use video.
  • To remove the “all eyes on me” feeling and replicate a physical meeting, use speaker view or spotlighting (if you are the host) more often than gallery view.
  • If you are distracted too much by your own image, choose the “hide myself” setting.
  • If you find the image of yourself a helpful reminder to sit up straight or smile nicely, don’t hide yourself and consider using the sneaky “touch up my appearance” function.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

A Jedi improves his BATNA

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Monday this week was Star Wars Day … May the Fourth be with you.

In a galaxy far, far away I thought I should honour the date by writing about the sale of Lucasfilm, George Lucas’ production company that was responsible for creating the Star Wars franchise.

Lucas sold Lucasfilm to the Walt Disney company in 2012 for a whopping USD$4.05 billion, but not before a gruelling 18 months or so of negotiations. One of the many interesting aspects of the negotiation was Lucas’ clever strategy of strengthening his BATNA, which is what negotiators call their Plan B.

BATNA stands for Best Alternative To a Negotiated Alternative, a term coined by Roger Fisher and William Ury in their seminal book, “Getting to Yes: Negotiating Without Giving In”. A BATNA is your best alternative if you walk away from the deal. It is important because it strengthens your negotiating power. If you have a strong BATNA, you won’t be tempted to give in to a sub-optimal deal. It means you can resist making concessions and push for what you want because you have a viable alternative.

So what did George Lucas do and what was his BATNA in the negotiations with Disney? If the negotiations with Disney had broken down or did not meet his minimum requirements, Lucas’ BATNA was the sale of Lucasfilm to other potential buyers. During his negotiations with the then Disney CEO, Bob Iger, Lucas never lost sight of this.

Over the months of negotiation, Lucas focused his attention on cultivating prospects for the company and increasing its attractiveness to Disney and to other potential buyers. He appointed a new, younger leadership team, he employed writers to start developing the next trilogy of Star Wars films and he approached some of the original cast (including Carrie Fisher, Harrison Ford and Mark Hamill) to see if they would consider returning to the franchise in their original roles.

Lucas was determined not to sell Lucasfilm at its stand-alone value but at a price that recognised the synergies with Disney and the work underway to expand the Star Wars franchise. Not only did these actions increase the value of Lucasfilm for Disney but they improved Lucas’ BATNA as the company became more attractive for other buyers too.

This case study serves to remind us that you should never enter a negotiation without first determining your BATNA, and the BATNA of the other party. BATNAs are a key weapon in a negotiator’s arsenal.

If you can find ways to strengthen your BATNA, you’ll have good options if you need to walk away (or Skywalker-way) and you might also find that the improved BATNA leads to a more Lucas-rative deal.

Apologies for the puns but, after all, all is fair in love and Star Wars.

 

In isolation and negotiation, beware your biases

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What things have been driving you crazy during isolation? Inconsiderate people in the supermarket? The crowds at your local park? People flouting social distancing measures and congregating at beaches?

Imagine this scenario. You are out having a run at the beach and you see a group of people ignoring the physical distancing laws and sitting together. You run by and shake your head at the “selfish jerks” (insert a different, more pejorative term as appropriate). You then see police approach them and issue fines. Admit it, you feel pretty smug, don’t you?

The next day, after the same run, you decide to sit on the beach for 10 minutes while you cool down. Unfortunately, you are spotted by the police and handed a fine. What do you do? You protest that you were following rules, you were just having a quick break after a run, you’re not a “selfish jerk”.

This type of scenario plays out on the roads every day. If you cut me off, you’re a bad driver. If I cut you off, I had a reasonable excuse for doing so.

Our tendency to blame circumstances for our own poor behaviour but judge someone’s character for theirs is a cognitive bias called the Fundamental Attribution Error (FAE). Stephen Covey, he of the 7 Habits, explains FAE thus: “We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior”.

A few years ago, I worked quite closely with someone who was later diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. His approach to anything was an extreme example of FAE – if something went well, he was solely responsible; if it didn’t go well, he couldn’t bring himself to take any responsibility for it. Few people take their biases this far, but we are all impacted by FAE more than we know.

When preparing for a negotiation, it is critical that you identify and deal with any possible sources of bias. FAE, if unacknowledged, can have a major impact in a negotiation – it can lead to poor judgement about the other party, and impact our ability to understand their needs and make rational decisions.

For women, FAE can make negotiation even harder. Gender bias in society often means that a woman negotiating assertively is perceived as pushy or bossy, but a man with the same demeanour is seen as strong and confident.

To combat FAE, try these tips:

  • Be honest with yourself that you have biases and try to recognise them.
  • Be mindful of people blaming you for things outside your control and gently challenge their assumptions about you.
  • Likewise, remain aware of your tendency to blame others and aim to understand their motives.
  • Give people the benefit of the doubt – rather than judging, practise empathy and assume a more positive explanation for their behaviour.
  • Endeavour to see the other side of the story; this will lead to more creative discussions and collaborative problem-solving.
  • Don’t get distracted from your negotiation goals by allowing yourself to be influenced by the other party’s reputation or behaviour.

 

This model is all you need right now

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I’ve solved it!

This little model is all you need in these uncertain times.

I designed this as a guide to negotiating during these Covid-19 days but, guess what? It helps with any decision you need to make at the moment.

Should I ride my bike around the bay? If I can trust my skills but am not sure if the crowd will be too crazy, inch forward. If you know that everyone is at home watching MasterChef but your bike-riding skills are rusty, wait it out for now.

Should you fire up the oven in a moment of boredom to make a chocolate souffle? If you have the right ingredients, a good oven and you’ve done it successfully before, then go for it. If you’ve never made a souffle and you are short on eggs, then no, don’t even consider it.

See how this works?

In terms of negotiating something in these uncertain times, it’s fine to proceed if the other party is someone you trust, and you have enough predictability in the situation. But, please, don’t start negotiating with someone if there is low trust. Even if the situation has a high level of certainty, there is too much flux elsewhere so it’s not a good time. Just wait it out and spend the time building trust until the right time to proceed comes along.

If you are wondering why this model is valid now, in Corona-times, and not all the time, the answer is the context. With the souffle example, in non-Corona times you could start preparing the souffle in the knowledge that eggs are readily available at a corner store. With the bike ride, it would be fine to take your rusty skills out for a spin on a quiet day. And for the negotiation, in non-Covid times you would probably proceed while exploring opportunities with the other party to improve the relationship and decrease uncertainty.

Can you think of other ways this model applies in these uncertain times?

 

Day of Pink

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I discovered by chance this morning that today, 8th of April, is the Day of Pink.

My first thought was of the movie Mean Girls and that iconic line: “on Wednesdays we wear pink”. But no, the Day of Pink is about standing up to bullying and discrimination.

Discrimination takes many shapes, but you may not know that female doctors experience high levels of discrimination and bullying as well as pay gaps in some specialties as high as 50%.

Surveys and reports released by ASMOF NSW show that more than half of female doctors have experienced sexual harassment in their workplace, while male doctors report a fraction of this number. Despite reaching comparable numbers in medical schools, women are also vastly underrepresented in senior medical roles such as deans, CMOs, medical college board members and hospital CEOs.

In my most recent whitepaper, I argue that learning consensus-building negotiation skills can equip female doctors to receive more acknowledgement in the workplace, to negotiate better salaries and working conditions, and neutralise the impact of bullying and hostility.

I also outline a case study where I helped one doctor negotiate a whopping 28% pay rise as well as role and roster changes.

Get in touch if you would like to receive a copy of the whitepaper.

 

In Praise of Doctors

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The 30th of March is National Doctors’ Day in the USA. Australia doesn’t seem to recognise this day widely but right now, amid a pandemic, it’s a bandwagon worth jumping on.

Send a message of thanks to the doctors you know – those on the frontline of Covid-19 and all of the others who are holding up the rest of the health system and keeping us safe.

If you want to hear about the work I am doing with female doctors, get in touch if to receive a copy of my latest whitepaper: “Negotiation Skills as a Remedy for Gender Bias in Medicine”.