Travelling!

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I am heading overseas tomorrow for a trip with my family.

Travel, especially in foreign countries, can bring out the worst in people so I am planning to try out some new negotiation and conflict management techniques on them.

I might try a bit of “you’re not coming with us today!” or maybe some “you really should be more appreciative of how much this is costing!”.

Kidding …

What I will be doing is asking for honest conversations about how everyone is feeling, acknowledging the things that are hard for each of us, recognising any brewing conflicts and identifying common ground.

As it happens, there are a lot of similarities between travel and negotiation.

With travel, it’s tempting to daydream about the exciting destination, but we can’t go anywhere without lots of groundwork, planning and getting everything in place for those travelling (did I mention we got our visas approved with only two business days to spare?!)

In negotiations, we can get too focused on the outcomes we are looking for (an agreed contract, the new job, the sale) and overlook the need to plan the strategy and do the emotional prep required to perform well.

To prove the point, these questions work just as well for a holiday as they do for a negotiation:

  • Where are you heading?
  • What do you want to achieve?
  • How will you get there?
  • Who is involved?
  • What needs arranging?
  • Are you ready?

What other questions fit both categories?

It’s almost that time of year

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Some of our most fraught negotiations are not in the boardroom or during a mediation, but with family and friends in the lead-up to the holiday season.

Some of these holiday season negotiations rival the biggest corporate deals for complexity, number of parties, a protracted history of dealings and ever-changing power dynamics.

Simply planning a family get-together at Christmas time involves a negotiation about whose place it will be at, who is bringing what, who is driving home and what gifts to buy. There will planning needed for how to avoid the clash of personalities that arose last year and where to seat “that uncle” that everyone seems to have.

Here are my top three tips for negotiating the holiday season:

  1. Anchoring. In negotiation, the anchoring bias is the tendency to rely too much on the first piece of data. For holiday plans, anchor your desired outcome by being the first to suggest the plans. It is harder for others to adjust from the starting point and suggest alternatives if you’ve already named an offer.

A polite “We’d like to have everyone over to our place this year” saves you the dreaded annual trek to Goodooga.

  1. Scenario Planning. If you suspect you will receive the same boring present or you’ll have guests offer to cook the same dated recipe, plan ahead for this. Work out how you’ll react in these circumstances. Good negotiators plan responses for all sorts of scenarios.

Try “I have always appreciated the effort you put into the Ham and Banana Hollandaise and this Christmas I’d love to honour you with a year off”.

  1. Pick your battles. Christmas time with your family is probably the wrong time to negotiate competitively. Simply put, sometimes the outcome is not as important as the relationship, and you should accommodate the other party’s desires.

Instead of “why do we have to go your family’s house every year?”, try “I’ll happily tag along because I know it is important to you”.

A lesson in active listening

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Photo Credit: CNN.com

 

I know I’ve been posting a lot recently about American politics. I can’t help it; the ground is just so fertile. At least this week one of the key players is an Aussie.

Two weeks ago, Jonathan Swan interviewed Donald Trump. The interview has gone viral, even spawning numerous memes.

My favourite part of the interview was this:

Trump: There are those that say you can test too much.

Swan: Who says that?

Trump: Just read the manuals. Read the books.

Swan: Manuals? What manuals?

Trump: Read the books!

Swan: What books?

This exchange is a classic display of active listening. Swan isn’t checking his notes for his next question for Trump. He isn’t scrambling for facts to prosecute a claim. He isn’t rushing to get through his list of prepared questions. He is simply asking Trump for clarification.

The most blistering moments from the interview, the ones that have received the most attention, are those when Swan is actively listening and responding to Trump.

The high engagement levels and the simple follow-up questions expose the gems.

It’s no surprise that I recommend a similar approach in negotiation. Stop thinking about your message and the next thing you will say and start really listening to the other party. The gems are there … you just need to get out of your own way so you can hear them.