I recently heard some children talking about the Reflection Room at their primary school.
While I immediately pictured the funny mirrors at an amusement park, the trepidation on their faces indicated it was something altogether different.
Some quick research showed that quite a few primary schools include a Reflection Room in their behaviour management processes.
The Reflection Room isn’t intended to be a punishment, but it is a place for children to go when things go wrong. They get to tell their side of the story, reflect on their behaviour, work out what they need to do to put things right, and commit to making better choices in the future.
What if adults had a Reflection Room?
We are constantly surrounded by conflict … in our homes, workplaces and in community groups. Some conflicts are minor, others major, but what they all have in common is our tendency to very quickly shift the blame to others.
I am sorry to say, however, that there are very few instances of conflict where we are totally innocent.
No, really. We are almost always guilty of contributing something!
Think of a recent conflict you were involved with and be really honest with yourself:
- Did you want to reach agreement, or did you mostly just want to get back at someone for something that happened in the past?
- Were you more concerned with winning the argument than finding a solution?
- Were you so uncomfortable about addressing the real issue that you left it too long and made it worse?
- Did you minimise your role in the conflict by exaggerating the other person’s actions?
- Did you blame external circumstances to avoid taking responsibility?
- Did you work so hard to keep the peace, you had to lie about what was really happening?
- Did you pretend not to play favourites, but you really did?
It’s a hard pill to swallow but we have almost always contributed something, even it’s only small.
If adults had a Reflection Room, they might understand more about how they behave in conflict.
The authors of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when the Stakes are High call this type of reflection “working on me first, us second”. They say that, without reflection, our progress will be hindered by our tendency to believe that we are blameless and others are at fault.
The only person you can directly control is the person in the mirror.
Do you have something you should ponder in the Reflection Room?